Sooner or Later…

This is mil’s update.  Not in a very good order because it has been a few days.

When she first went in they ran tests and put her on morphine for her pain.  The scans came back with sites on her brain, lungs, kidneys, and liver.  The brain on was deemed most important in treatment order as she was having symptoms of having had a stroke.  The biopsy for the rest came back inconclusive so were redone.

So the tuesday or wednesday after she went in she had a bad spell.  She tried to be sick so my dh was holding her up and balancing the necessary pan.  She tried to get out of bed so Grits, Auntie, and Grandpa were trying to keep her in bed.  Sil was at the end of the bed trying to be helpful, but not quite knowing what to do.  They were all trying to talk to her, but she was totally gone–eyes rolled back so only whites visible bad.  The nurse was there and eventually mil calmed down.  The techs (CNA)  got her cleaned up, but still so out of it. 

Patting her face and calling–no response.  It was hard.  DH was reminded of when my mother died, but had some comfort–when his mom was calm & sleeping she snored, something my mom never did while medicated.  Sil’s had his memories of his father’s death two years ago.  It was a long few hours on many levels.  After things calmed down & cleaned up dh left to come home.

During the cleaning up & quiet it seems the nurse was on the phone with  the Dr.  Not long after dh left she came with meds to counter the morphine.  Within 15 min. mil was back–talked off & on all night with as much lucidity as a still medicated person can have. Nikos* and I visited the next day and if dh hadn’t told me how very bad the previous evening had been I would never have known.

The call went out and her siblings came from Illinois for the weekend.  It was difficult for them.  There were  six children in their family.  Mil was first and then a 10 year gap before the rest came along stair-step fashion.  The youngest is only 3 years older than my dh–when we met they looked like twins.  The youngest sister died from domestic violence (boyfriend) so this sister’s illness is rough. 

By the time the siblings arrived mil had received a steroid treatment and one radiation on the brain spot.  That also improved her condition.  The headache pain was reduced, though not eliminated.  She can touch her nose so the stroke-like symptoms are less.  Their visit was a lot more pleasant than it might have been.

A second biopsy did confirm what was suspected, her cancer is back.  There will be no surgery.  Radiation–yes.  She did agree to low doses of chemo.  The Dr. explained that things have changed a lot in three years and there are a lot more choices.  We explained that she knows what to ask for in meds and what questions to ask.  Knowledge is power.  The Drs are going for comfort, not cure.

Its hard to know just what to say, or do, or even pray in this situation. 

My mother died from a brain aneurism relatively quickly.  We knew she would be gone.  The blessing was we didn’t have to watch her suffer.  Paid with the curse of no last goodbyes or ‘I love yous’–none she could understand, no hope of response.  

Mil is walking a different road.  The blessing is time to say goodbyes.  Time for ”I love yous”.  Time to tell life stories and memories.  Time.  Paid in full with the curse of watching, waiting, and suffering.

Both goodbyes are painful.  Everyone writes their life’s book, but whether it is better to know when the final chapters are begun is beyond me.

*My older children have their own on-line identities so to respect their privacy I use their chosen names.  The olders are:  Grits, Fyah, and Nikos.